AND WE ARE BACK

my 2011 resolution is to update more. Diana said I had to start today. So here we goooooo!

funny emails from my friends

You guys I'm not eating until LA, where I will wear gigantic wrap sweaters and huge sunglasses while pretending to be surprised when I'm spotted by the paps. 

nutmeg is the gateway to meth

kids these days.


the new trend is to get high off nutmeg. kids are raiding mom's spice cabinet to get high. this grosses me out. 






a quick youtube search reveals why no one should be smoking nutmeg:







more info here

4 pairs of boots, 3 pairs of jeans, a wallet and some gloves....

...FOUND HIDDEN IN THEIR FAT ROLLS:

i never do yard work, go rock climbing or engage in any sort of physical labor without my teva stilettos...

This truly is an all time low for Teva, which already is kind of an all time low, let's be honest. These actions shots are sent express-priority-return-receipt mail from the gods, mostly because the models are wearing SOCKS with their Teva Stilettos. I meannnnnnnn. Come ON, Teva! It's bad enough that we have to see middle-aged yuppies and Euros rocking the sock/sandal combo, but now this...

If you're going to be yard work chic, please follow cues from Eva Gabor, NOT Teva.

If you MUST own these (as a gag gift or science experiment only), you can do so HERE (btw, they are $330. that seems high for a Teva stiletto to me)

moment of zen

danger zone!

St. Louis Arch Tooth. 

According to a new report, these are the top 20 most dangerous cities in the USA:

 1. St. Louis, MO

 2. Camden, NJ

 3. Detroit, MI

 4. Flint, MI

 5. Oakland, CA

 6. Richmond, CA

 7. Cleveland, OH

 8. Compton, CA

 9. Gary, IN

10. Birmingham, LA

11. Baltimore, MD

12. Memphis, TN

13. New Orleans, LA

14.  Little Rock, AR

16. Baton Rouge, LA

17. Buffao, NY

18. New Haven, CT

20. Dayton, OH

I have to say, I'm a little surprised that NOLA is #13. WTF is going on in 1-12!?

Do you live in any of these cities? Please share crime stories immeds!


Full ranking of all cities here

i WORSHIP this child

dont forget your kids!

a photo-bomb. cat and dog style.

great balls of fire

Ezekiel A. Ashman has had better days. Ezekiel is/was (status unknown) dating a young lady by the name of Amanda Victor. Amanda was very mad because Ezekiel had been seeing his ex girlfriend. During a heated argument, Ezekiel slapped Amanda. Naturally, Amanda got mad. Amanda retaliated by "grabbing hold of Ashman's testicle sack and tearing the scrotum open with her hands".

O

M

G

Police were called and arrived to find Ezekiel dripping with the blood and "with lacerations to his ballbag. When asked what happened, Zekiey simply responded "She ripped my balls off".

Well put. Zekiey was admitted to a local hospital and both were charged with assault. 

Wait. It gets better. I found a picture of Ezekiel and his lady (for real, i found them on facebook):

Hayyyy Girl! Love your shoes!!!!

You're welcome. 

WATCH. THIS. NOW.

There really aren't words. This is a zing display of courage, determination, academia, athleticism and general awesomeness. talk about improving the quality of your life: 

excuses 101

Getting out of work is an art, and I have a permanent exhibition at MOMA with my craft. In the effort to let all people skip work as often as you want, please find below one of my go-to excuses for missing a Monday when they know you were gone for a weekend.
This is a real email I sent my boss, and it worked.

Hi-
I just got bumped off my flight for some air marshall, I argued it but there was nothing I could do. There are no more flights back to NY today, so the next flight I can get on is at 6am tomorrow - landing I'm JFK at 10am. I will come straight from the airport to the office. I know we have status at 10, so I can dial in on my way to the office, just might be 5-10 minutes late dialing in.


Sorry about this, I'm not sure why I got bumped instead of someone else but they didn't accept "I have to be at work in the morning" as a valid reason to not bump me.


Thanks.

funny emails from my friends

From a friend trying to make a list of their sexual conquests, but having trouble remembering some names:

i just started and already have entries "SD rando" ,"Alphabet City person" and "girl who thought i was in arrested development"

1. Make a Wish

2. Happy National Corduroy Appreciation day

The date was selected, as it looks the most like Corduroy

11/11

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

More info is available by visiting the Corduroy Appreciation Club

hide ya kids, hide ya wives

Bad reality TV is my life fuel. It's amazing to me that these people exist in real life. AMAZING. Even the writers of LOST (who are the smartest, best writers on earth) couldnt make this shit up.

Real Housewives (of all cities) happens to be one of the most genius franchises on earth. From table flipping to death threats to gold diggers to weave ripping to fake cancer - these shows are the sweet nectar of the gods.

And just when I think I have seen it all, something even better happens. While this is HIGHLY inapprops for primetime TV (read: I am officially old when TV offends me. Pffhh) it is also MIND BLOWING that these are REAL people who REALLY thought this was a good idea.

Please view the selected screen shots below from Real Housewives of ATL star Phaedra Parks and her ex-con husband doing a pregnancy photo shoot:

(a special thank you to Lord Lloyd for helping me aquire these images)