Mickey Rourke gets corrective plastic surgery

wait....corrective?

Two People I Want To Be Friends With Based On Their Car Scenes:

1.

2.

DELTA: Banned 4 LIFE

This is unfortunate, mainly because I have so many Frequent Flier miles that will now go to waste. Le sigh.

So, on FOUR separate Delta flights leaving Amsterdam, SIX one-inch needles have been found inside of sandwiches. This is some vile shit. 

SIDE NOTE: Needle aside, that sandwich looks disgusting. That meat is 30 different colors and looks hard and dry and the cheese looks scary and it generally just makes my mouth hurt.

ONE of the passengers, James Tonges, has actually been put on a precautionary anti-HIV medication while they wait for test results as he found the needle when it poked the top of his mouth during the second bite of his nasty sandwich. 

"It's just kind of a wait and see game now," Tonges said.

"That's rough." I said.  

James Tonges, looking pissed

HOWEVER, good 'ole James Tonges son, who was traveling on a separate but equal flight ALSO BIT A NEEDLE. Unlike his poppa a young Tongs kept his needle (suspect) rather than give it to the police as he is planning a lawsuit. Call me (maybe) crazy but in my day when a father and son duo both eat needles at different times and plan to sue they are probably scammin' yo ass. 

Sooooo that's all crazy and I can't wait to see what happens. 

calling child services!!!!

Lord. Have. Mercy.

The fact that i hate squirrels, dead or alive aside, this is pretty vile.

Watch immeds:




NOW.

a few things:

"bathtime" is not enough. this child needs to be hosed down like a prison inmate with lice.

If I had a child, and this perfect little being picked up a dead squirrel, my first reaction would be "PUT DOWN THAT DISEASED BEAST" not "I should grab my video camera!"

rabies for babies.

where's the beef?

Well, a cow in the Republic of Georgia has sprung a two-headed calf from her loins:

Sadly, the cow is refusing to nurse the baby two-head, so farmers are feeding it with a bottle. To answer your burning question, the calf eats with both heads. 

This brings up a great point, the world is ending. Maybe there is something to this whole 2012 thing and everyone should be out crossing items off the 'ole bucket list. Skeptical about the dawning of the apocalypse? Evidence:

Dead birds falling from the sky:

Dead fish and crabs washing ashore:

It's the final season of Oprah:

Sarah Palin:

The following people have written books on The New York Times bestseller list. The minds of our time:

Lauren Conrad:

Tori Spelling

 Kate Gosselin:

 Paris Hilton:

I dont think much more evidence is needed. enjoy the end of days!

great balls of fire

Ezekiel A. Ashman has had better days. Ezekiel is/was (status unknown) dating a young lady by the name of Amanda Victor. Amanda was very mad because Ezekiel had been seeing his ex girlfriend. During a heated argument, Ezekiel slapped Amanda. Naturally, Amanda got mad. Amanda retaliated by "grabbing hold of Ashman's testicle sack and tearing the scrotum open with her hands".

O

M

G

Police were called and arrived to find Ezekiel dripping with the blood and "with lacerations to his ballbag. When asked what happened, Zekiey simply responded "She ripped my balls off".

Well put. Zekiey was admitted to a local hospital and both were charged with assault. 

Wait. It gets better. I found a picture of Ezekiel and his lady (for real, i found them on facebook):

Hayyyy Girl! Love your shoes!!!!

You're welcome. 

love letters to a peeping tom

passive aggressive notes are really amusing when living in apartment buildings. the below a note one very angry lady (not me) left for her building:

Even better, is the response letter she got:

CarStache. Gave me a Rash.

Accessories are all the rage, but accessories for your car? This makes me feel road rage. Like neon lights and vanity plates. But this has gone one step too far....


Behold, the CarStache!

Now. If I ran this company, I would have celebrity 'staches to choose from. Obv.

Here would be my top pics:

The Tom Selleck

Amish Paradise

Friedrich Nietzsche 

and my top seller, Hulkamania

Click HERE to pimp your ride!



PS. If you work for Carstache and try to steal my celeb ideas, I will hunt you down and shave your face.

best. name. EVER.

Enrolled in the University of Wisconsin Whitewater (no, i mean what even is that??). Ready to meet your new faculty advisor? Great! Meet Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer. REAL. NAME. OMFGEEEEEE.

Here's a few kind words from my girl, pot soda:

Hi and welcome to U.W. Whitewater! My name is Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer and I am thrilled to be working among the outstanding individuals in the advising center. I hold a B.S.E. in Elementary Education from U.W. Whitewater and a M.S.E. in Higher Education Administration from Georgia Southern University. I enjoy cooking, fishing, shooting, motorcycling, traveling, golf, and spending time with family, friends, and loved ones.

 
I. love. this. woman.

breakfast of champions

ladies and gentlemen, 


behold the meat martini:

Breakin' it down:

• martini glass made of bacon and only bacon
• filled w scrambled eggs
• ice cubes made of haslet (pork meatloaf)
• garnished with a black pudding slice (apparently black pudding is a sausage composed of blood and fat of pig)
• dont forget the mushroom umbrella
• finished off with a sausage swizzle stick and a cherry tomato

Now, while this is amazing what is even more amazing is the man behind the meat martini. the man, the myth, the legend: Joel Veitch 

 His website www.rathergood.com is pretty bat shit, but worth checking out.


Ease in with a COMPLETE photo documentation of him creating and eating the Meat Martini HERE


I also recommend BACON ROCKET

seawhore the icelandic seahorse

Ah, the circle of life. A friend once said breaking up with her boyfriend felt like "taking a 500 lb shit" - now think about that while you watch this seahorse have some babies:

carrots can be eaten in a variety of ways...

TODAY IS A MAGICAL DAY

sorry for the all caps, but today is PURE MAGIC. Both Kathy Lee Gifford and John Gifford were born today.

Amen.

here kitty kitty

so many cat posts lately i fear i am destined to become one of those "cat ladies"... like this:

but fret not, it just so happens the world is EXPLODING with weird cat shit.

for example, the cat fashion show held last night at the Algonquin hotel, in celebration of the hotel's resident cat Matilda's 15th birthday. Happy Happy Matilds!!!

not only is this bat shit (it's right up there with cat massages) - but they got the worlds WEIRDEST looking cats. they do NOT want to be doing this.

Naturally, put the hairless cat in a weave:

This cat is about to cut a bitch:

Self conscious about being dressed up as the poor cat:

Can't even be bothered(this is Matilda, the bday kitty):

Ok, so they dressed them up...but now they want them to speak!?

wise sensai cat:

This is totally the ring leader cat who is plotting a mayjah mutiny move:

check out more feline fashions HERE

Bat Shit Awards

I am nominating this woman for the bat shit awards. She is kind enough to share with us her tips on cat massaging.

Key highlights:

"Cats will tell us that petting is passe"

"No oils or lotions needed"

"good for you, use 2 hands to double your pleasure and double your fun"

i leave the rest for you to discover: